How I see Marriage now after Two Divorces Before 30: A Journey of Self-Discovery, Growth, and Empowerment
Divorce is one of the most painful experiences anyone can go through. When you get married, you envision a future with your partner, building a life together, and sharing moments of joy, struggle, and growth. But when that marriage ends, it can feel like everything you once believed in has crumbled. For many people, divorce is a topic they avoid discussing, fearing judgment, embarrassment, or simply the discomfort of reliving a difficult chapter of their lives.
I’ve experienced this firsthand, and I hope that by sharing my story, I can offer comfort to others who may be going through something similar, as well as some valuable lessons that may help avoid the mistakes I made. After all, life isn’t about avoiding mistakes, but about learning from them and using those lessons to create a better future. I was married twice before the age of 30—first at 20 and then again at 26, with both marriages ending in divorce by the time I was 29. These experiences have shaped who I am today, and I want to share what I’ve learned about love, relationships, and personal growth.
1. Everything has it’s Time
When I look back at the two marriages, one of the first things I realize is that neither of them was the right decision at the time. At 20 years old, I had barely started exploring life independently. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted from a relationship or life itself. I was still figuring out the world, and still growing emotionally and mentally, but as an immature impulsive young adult, I thought I was ready for marriage. In reality, I didn’t understand the commitment and the sacrifices involved in marriage—both to the person you marry and yourself.
The 20s and early 30s are a time when it’s essential to grow and develop as an individual. This is a period for discovering your values, goals, passions, and purpose in life. It’s a time to explore who you are before you make a lifelong commitment to someone else. Many people rush into relationships and even marriage because they believe it’s the “right” thing to do at a certain age, or because society pressures them to follow a prescribed path. However, marriage is a big step, and it should not be taken lightly.
I’ve seen many people, including friends and family, who rushed into marriage without truly understanding themselves, and later found themselves in unhappy or toxic relationships. They may have had children, only to raise them in environments where the parents didn’t love each other or weren’t even emotionally mature enough to manage their own lives, let alone a family. There’s a lot of wisdom in the idea that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Before you can healthily love someone else, you need to understand and love yourself first.
2. The Importance of Self-Love, Self-respect and Boundaries
One of the hardest lessons I learned from both marriages was the importance of self-love, self-respect, and setting boundaries. When I married at 20, I didn’t know what it meant to love myself. I didn’t have a strong sense of self-worth, nor did I know how to respect my own needs. Growing up, I wasn’t taught these concepts, and I believe that many people, especially those raised in homes with little emotional support or understanding, face this same challenge. I certainly don’t blame anyone—sometimes our parents are doing the best they can, and they themselves might not have had the tools to teach us how to live healthy emotional lives.
In many cases, people grow up in environments of emotional or verbal abuse, neglect, or a lack of love. This makes it incredibly difficult to develop the self-love needed to set healthy boundaries in relationships. It’s hard to give what you don’t have, and if you didn’t receive love and respect in your upbringing, it becomes nearly impossible to demand it in your relationships. I realized, much too late, that self-respect is not something you can teach someone else; it’s something you must first embody yourself.
When we’re in relationships where our value is not recognized, we often forget our worth. We may tolerate behaviors or treatment that are far beneath the respect we deserve because we haven’t yet developed the understanding that we are worthy of healthy, kind, and loving treatment. When you love yourself, you recognize your worth and you won’t allow anyone to treat you poorly. In simple terms: when you truly love yourself, you won’t settle for anything less than the respect you deserve.
3. Before you Create the List, “BECOME” the List
It’s so easy to fall into the trap of creating a long list of what you expect from a partner: “He must be tall, successful, attractive, kind, funny, and so on.” We all have our idea of the “perfect” partner, but one important lesson I learned was that before you create a list of what you want in someone else, you must first ask yourself, “Am I that person?”
Attracting a partner with the qualities you desire means becoming those qualities yourself. If you want a financially independent partner, you should be financially independent. If you want a loving, caring, and supportive partner, make sure that you are loving, caring, and supportive. You cannot expect to receive what you are not willing to give. The law of attraction works in many ways—when you elevate yourself, you naturally attract others who are at a similar level of growth and maturity.
In my earlier marriages, I didn’t realize that I was expecting qualities from my partners that I didn’t yet embody myself. I wanted a strong, responsible partner, but I wasn’t responsible in certain areas of my life. I wanted someone with emotional maturity, but I hadn’t yet reached that level myself. Understanding that we need to be the change we want to see in others is a crucial lesson in any relationship.
4. Know what you want in a Partner, and Why?
Another lesson I learned was the importance of knowing what you are truly looking for in a partner. It’s not enough to be attracted to someone based on superficial qualities like appearance, wealth, or status. You need to understand what qualities are truly non-negotiable for you and why.
Having a clear idea of what you’re looking for in a partner helps you avoid getting swept up in infatuation or idealization. It gives you a compass—a set of values and characteristics that guide your choices and decisions. For example, I now know that I need a partner who is honest, emotionally available, and shares similar values when it comes to family and life goals. These are my “non-negotiables,” and having that clarity allows me to make better decisions in relationships moving forward.
When you have a list of qualities that are essential for your happiness and well-being, you avoid getting distracted by someone who may look good on paper but isn’t right for you in the long term. You learn to recognize that superficial traits like physical attractiveness or social status are not enough to sustain a healthy, lasting relationship.
5. Learn to love your Solitude
One of the most difficult lessons I had to learn was how to be comfortable in my own company. After my first divorce, I felt the pain of loss and the shame of failing at something so significant. I was also left alone, without my family or even my daughter at the time, and it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders.
But that period of solitude, though painful, was essential for my healing. It was in that time alone that I learned how to love myself, to take care of myself, and to focus on my emotional and physical well-being. I learned how to set boundaries, how to prioritize my needs, and how to rebuild my sense of self-worth.
Many people, especially those who’ve been in toxic or codependent relationships, struggle with loneliness after a breakup. But loneliness isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Solitude gives you the time and space to heal, to reflect, and to reconnect with who you are. When you’re not in a relationship, you have the opportunity to rediscover your passions, your goals, and your own worth. You have the freedom to live life on your terms.
This time of solitude also taught me how to love my own company. I learned how to enjoy being with myself without needing someone else to validate my existence. When you can be at peace with yourself, you’re much better prepared for the next chapter in your life, whether that involves a new relationship or simply continuing your personal journey.
Conclusion
Divorce is never easy, but it doesn’t have to define you. I’ve learned that even the most painful experiences can lead to profound personal growth. While I wouldn’t wish divorce on anyone, I am thankful for the lessons it taught me. If you’re going through something similar or if you’ve been through a difficult breakup, I hope my story resonates with you and reminds you that you’re not alone.
Take the time to know yourself, build self-love, and set healthy boundaries in your relationships. Learn to be the person you want to attract and know what you truly need in a partner. Most importantly, learn to embrace your solitude because it’s in the quiet moments of life that we often find our greatest clarity.
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